You Know You're Italian When...

The title of today's post pretty much sums up what you're about to read. In lieu of an actual story, I'm going to give you a comprehensive list of, for lack of a better term, "things" (I hate that word), that point to the fact that you are, at least a small percentage, Italian. I truly do wonder if some of the items on this list are specific to my family in particular, so if you are Italian, and you see something on this list that you can in no way relate to, please leave me a comment saying, "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about regarding..." I can then use your comment as further proof that my whole family is simply insane. So, without further adieu, you know you are Italian when...

1. You were the chubby kid in elementary and/or high school.
2. You have family living in or around New York or New Jersey.
3. You frequently have to explain to guests and friends that your family isn't always yelling at one another, that's just the volume at which they talk.
4. Elderly relatives are genuinely appalled and concerned if they see you as being "too skinny."
5. You have no idea who your actual relatives are because you've been calling everyone aunt/uncle since childhood. 
6. Distant relatives and extended family greet you with a lightning-fast double-cheek kiss before wrapping you into the tightest hug you've ever experienced while weepily repeating the phrase "he/she's SO BEAUTIFUL!!!" to your parents. 
7. You know your relatives are dead serious when they tell you they expect you to marry someone who is at least 50% Italian.
8. You gain a significant amount of weight after any extended family gathering/reunion. 
9. If you bring someone over for dinner and they do not at least OFFER to help clean up after the meal, this is the kiss of death in your parents' eyes. If they DO offer to clean up, their offer will not be accepted, but they will be loved forever by your mother. If this person is of the opposite gender, you will be encouraged to marry this person.
10. You have to explain to people that no, you are not, in fact, connected to the mob in any way.
11. You are probably, somehow, distantly connected to the mob (kidding...sort of...).
12. Your friends typically have no idea what calzone, sfogliadelle, cannoli, biscotti, etc. are, but if they do, it's some kind of bastardized American version. 
13. Your friends enjoy the bastardized American version of these foods.
14. Finding good pizza...it's a problem, as any member of your family will tell you in great detail.
15. After introducing new friends or boy/girlfriends to your family (assuming your family actually LIKES them), you must later explain to them why they were hugged, kissed, and/or handed a wad of money upon leaving your house. 
16. Hair, everywhere! Lots of it! Dark, thick hair! On everything!
17. Friends treat eating over at your house like attending some sort of grand feast.
18. Friends assume the way you feed house guests is the way you eat every night...it isn't.
19. Having pasta isn't special because it happens so often and is usually the meal you make when you're too lazy/pressed for time to make something else. This is why you would never order pasta at a restaurant.
20. Your mother is constantly talking about you to everyone.
21. Your grandmother is constantly talking about you to everyone.
22. Your grandmother knows everything you're doing at all times, no matter how insignificant, because your mom is constantly talking to her about you. 
23. The pictures! Oh God, the pictures! Of everything! All the time!
24. You hate going out to eat with your family because all they do is complain, loudly, for anyone and everyone to hear. As a result, you are constantly apologizing to your waitstaff and casting them sympathetic glances.
25. You can't get through one holiday or family gathering without the conversation turning extremely morbid. Death and dying is a regular conversation topic.
26. Any friend of the opposite gender is assumed to be your love interest.
27. If you do have a love interest, the first question asked is, "Is he/she Italian?"
28. Vegans and Vegetarians completely bewilder your family.
29. Your nose...it's probably larger than the average nose.
30. You have/had more than one freezer in your house at one time.
31. You're usually the one hosting the party/gathering.
32. You're punctual...no one else is...ever...at all.
33. Your family calls it "gravy," not "marinara sauce" or "tomato sauce."
34. It's "pocketbook," not "purse."
35. No matter how much you've eaten, they WILL continue to feed you.
36. You don't refuse seconds, EVER. It's an insult to your relatives.
37. You have a temper...yes, yes you do. Don't even try to deny it.
38. Most likely, you were not the sporty child, you were the band/choir/art geek. 

That's uh...well, that's about all I can think of for the time being, but there you have it. 38 ways to tell if there's even the tiniest bit of Italian blood running through your veins. Please feel free to comment and tell me anything I might have left out! I'ma go feed my chubby, big-nosed, dark-haired self now. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed today's post! There may even be a part 2 at some point in the not-so-distant future :)

~Felicia