Friday, November 15, 2013

The Great Target Adventure

So, I'd like to begin this post by setting up my scenario, just so we all understand the setting and circumstances surrounding this story:

I live in an apartment just off of my college campus with two roommates, both female. For the sake of privacy, I'm not going to use their real names. In this story, we will call them Bridget and Madeline. I have my own room, but Bridget and Madeline share the second bedroom. We also have this huge living room that no one really uses, except as a convenient, slide-free shortcut to the kitchen. Usually, both Madeline and Bridget go away each weekend to visit their boyfriends, and I am left with the entire apartment to myself. As someone who is largely antisocial, I have absolutely no problem with this.

Starting last week, however, this arrangement changed in a very unfavorable way.

Madeline is pretty much your stereotypical loud, messy, social butterfly of a roommate. As a result, we don't see her around the apartment much as she is usually flitting around out and about. Again, I have no problem with this. It's almost as if I only live with one other person, and occasionally, a loud, messy tornado breezes through the apartment just to leave pizza rolls in the couch, distribute pans, bowls, and crumbs all over the kitchen, and open all of the cabinets in the entire apartment. Annoying, but tolerable.

As Madeline usually doesn't arrive back at the apartment until well after I am asleep (if at all) and sleeps in past the time I usually leave in the morning, I don't have very much opportunity to be annoyed with her. This all changed when her boyfriend began secretly living in our apartment.

One morning, I awoke to find that Madeline had taken her mattress out of her room, and placed it in the living room. My first thought was that she and Bridget had had a disagreement, and she decided to get out of their shared room. Then I noticed the grey, man-sized sneakers by the front door. I snuck a peak into the living room and saw not one, but two lumps snoring peacefully on the mattress in the middle of my living room.

Now, I know what you're thinking: What's the big deal? It's her apartment too. What's wrong with her inviting her boyfriend over for the night?

Absolutely nothing. Were that the case, I would be completely fine with their arrangement. But I'm not finished...

This event took place last Thursday. It is now Friday of the following week...He is still here...

As Bridget and I both leave for school pretty early in the morning, before Madeline needs to wake up, we are forced to awkwardly tiptoe around the apartment in order to get ready in the morning. The kitchen and living room are separated only by a wall, with two door sized openings (no actual doors) cut into it. It's not its own separate room. So as you can imagine, it's somewhat impossible to be quiet enough so as not to wake the sleeping, happy couple in the adjoining room as you chomp on cereal.

His constant presence has forced me to hermitize myself by closing myself in my room all day long, leaving only to pee or grab something that microwaves in under two minutes from the kitchen.

They have completely taken over my living room. From midnight to noon, the happy couple snuggles in their living room mattress, half naked, until one of them has some sort of obligation. They even bought guinea pigs together, which now occupy my laundry room/pantry (sidenote: did you know guinea pigs make the entire room they're kept in smell like a barn? Because they do).

Today, I finally cracked.

I left my room around 9 in the morning to obtain food. They were still asleep. I know this because of the snoring. I obtained my food and re-entered my room for the next 3 hours. I decided to venture out and take a shower at 11. Upon leaving my room, I once again heard snoring emanating from the living room. They were still asleep. Fine, whatever. I took my shower and decided to straighten my hair this morning, because what the hell, it had only been 6 months since I'd done that (I tell you this only to emphasize that I was in my room getting ready for a longer period of time than normal). At 12:30, washed, dressed, made up, etc. I decided it was time to leave the apartment.

I decided to go to Target for three reasons: 1.) It's extremely close to my apartment, 2.) We were on our last roll of toilet paper (hmm, maybe because there are currently 4 people living in my 3 person apartment?) which no one seemed too concerned about, and 3.) I really needed to just GTFO!

Upon reaching my front door at 12:30, I decided to glance behind me into the living room just to see what was going on. The happy couple was still snuggling in bed, half naked. If I hadn't already decided to GTFO, that would have been the exact moment I would have chosen to do so.

So I went to Target.

I had never in my life been more excited to go to Target. Pulling into the parking lot was a beautiful experience. Walking through those automatic doors was glorious. I was somewhere familiar, yet different in a this-is-not-the-inside-of-my-apartment kind of way.

Then I immediately got super bored.

I didn't know how to otherwise pass the time when all I had to do was buy toilet paper. I couldn't very well just obtain my item and head straight back to my awkward-as-all-hell living room! So I did what any rational person would do:

I decided to narrate my entire Target trip to my best friend via text message.

The following is an exact (sort of) transcript of those messages:

12:51 pm: (after explaining the situation)"I've been wandering Target for 20 minutes now, and all that's in my cart is a family-sized bag of peanut M'Ms."

12:57 pm: "I'm wondering how much time I can kill here. Cart tally at the moment: peanut M'Ms, goldfish crackers, peanut butter filled pretzels, and 2 boxes of cereal. I'm a f*&$ing adult."

12:59 pm: "Cart update: I got rid of the peanut M'Ms so I would hate myself less. Also, they were $10 and I'm cheap."

1:02 pm: "Cart update: Milk for the cereal and 2 cartons of soup so I don't have to cook for 4 days. Still no toilet paper. Stay tuned."

1:11 pm: "Cart update: toilet paper acquired. Didn't have patience to compare prices, so bought largest package with the word "sale" posted above it. Also added to cart: berries, pourable egg substance, and pumpkin-spice coffee creamer. My goal is complete, but I don't feel I've killed enough time. How to kill more time without killing bank account?"

1:16 pm: "Shopping update: walked past dog section, got sad. Now in makeup. Ran into awkward guy from chem with obnoxious friends. He dropped socks in front of my cart and apologized. I forgot why I went into makeup. Must now figure out escape."

1:21 pm: "Shopping update: clothing and electronics are where it's at. Bank account is screaming "NO!" Luckily, laziness preventing me from trying on clothes anyway. But what's to stop me from buying headphones? Stay tuned."

1:32 pm: "Update: leaving Target. Man in front of me at register bought 4 packs of some sort of trading cards, nothing else. Man was in late 30's at least. Had beard. Cards totaled over $20. In parking lot, went down wrong aisle. Didn't realize until after half way down. Had to turn around and go down correct aisle. Reached car. Target employee decides now would be a great time to try to wrestle free the errant cart left directly in front of my car. Awkward. Done with shopping, but not enough time killed. Must figure out next move. Stay tuned."

1:53 pm: "Update: decided to find food. Didn't know where, but knew lots of food places along main rd. Kept driving. Saw nothing. Came to McDonalds. Decided drive through > walk in. Plus fries. Debated parking and eating so as to prolong time away from appt. Lady gave me unsweetened tea instead of sweetened tea. Must go back to apartment for sugar."

2:03 pm: "Update: Ate all fries in car. Am sad. Could have been saltier. Madeline's car not in driveway. Praise be unto the Lord. Can now enter safely."

2:11 pm: "Update: Was wrong. Don't know why car was not in driveway, but both still here. Not snuggling, but living room looks like tornado aftermath. Guinea pigs running rampant."

2:20 pm: "Also accidentally ate bacon...not sure what happens now..."

Yup...

Well, that was today's Target adventure. I hope you enjoyed my narration. Target is only so exciting. Please wish me luck in dealing with this unpleasant boyfriend situation. I promise to keep you posted (I lied, I probably won't).

Thanks for reading!

~Felicia

No comments:

Post a Comment